Today was actually our REAL test day. Since we were expecting a positive we wanted to have the good news to ourselves for a day before announcing to our faithful blog followers. Unfortunately our test(s) came back negative and we just couldn’t give you sad news on Thanksgiving. 😦
I just left from getting my blood drawn to confirm our home pregnancy test and tonight I’ll stop all my medications and be done.
When I talked to our clinic this morning they sounded truly shocked. She said there’s always a “luck factor” in IVF but my lining was perfect, our embryos were textbook perfect and beautiful so they really thought I’d be pregnant right now.
Because of that she said they have to assume there is something else going on like “natural killer cells” which is when your body fights off a pregnancy with antibodies – and they may want some additional testing done before trying another transfer.
I think she said all that to reassure me that it can work in the future but it made me feel even crappier that this round didn’t work. Like “You picked all the right lotto numbers and turned it in to the state…they really should have given you a big check I’m not sure why you didn’t get the money. Maybe next time they’ll drop that check off!” Ok I know that’s a pouty and extreme analogy but I’m still on a lot of hormones so cut me some drama slack. 😉
So I know everyone’s next question is Will we try again? We decided that – yes – we are going to give it one more try. When that will be is undecided. Even though the cost is significantly lower for a frozen transfer, it’s still quite an investment so it may be a while before we’re ready to take that on as well as the emotional factors to consider and the physical/mental toll the medications take.
Mostly I just feel let down. I really felt that God led us to this clinic and this treatment so I just feel confused as to why we’ve had so many let-downs in this area of our lives.
All day I’ve been thinking of the story of Job in the Bible. Ok – now my meds aren’t THAT crazy – I’m not about to compare my suffering to Job! But last month I’d memorized a verse in Job that keeps coming to my mind. It’s Job 23:8-10, “But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
It’s reminding me today that when we are confused and we don’t see God anywhere around us, he knows exactly where we are. So even in my disappointment I am grateful today that he has given me that reminder that, if nothing else, He sees me.
We’re sorry to share sad news with you. I know a couple people asked how to support us in the case of a negative test and I think just giving us some space to process – I think we’re fine talking about it but not necessarily looking for that so maybe a text instead of a call? But mostly we already feel supported by all of you and are thankful for your continued prayers for us